Should You File a Complaint if Someone You Were Sleeping With Tells ALL at Work?

I recently read a "Dear Sugar" article about a female who had a consensual affair with a coworker.  Despite her request for privacy, she later learned - of course - that he had been spilling the details to his supervisor.  And - he shared the most salacious detail - that she is bisexual.

After ending the affair, and learning she had been the topic of office gossip, she wanted to know if she should file a grievance for sexual harassment. Sadly, she knew this man's rep before sleeping with him,but was attracted to him anyway.  Obviously, he isn't a stand up guy and she was merely a conquest.

Now what?

Her question is whether she can file a grievance for sexual harassment.

This made me shake my head.  Here's why.

A lot of you might not remember the movie Disclosure starring Demi Moore and Michael Douglas.  In the movie, Michael Douglas is accused of sexual harassment by a former lover turned boss (Demi Moore) who actually forced herself on him.  The tables were turned and in the end, Michael Douglas' character was vindicated.  But in the process, his reputation had been demolished.  

Reputations take years to build and seconds to destroy.

In the movie, forcing herself on him and then demanding workplace favors in return defined sexual harassment.

Here is what sexual harassment is: sexual harassment or unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature.  Harassment is illegal when it is so frequent or severe that it creates a hostile or offensive work environment or when it results in an adverse employment decision (such as the victim being fired or demoted).

So, in this situation posed to Dear Sugar, was it legally harassment?

First, she should have gone with her gut.  She knew the guy was an ass and she slept with him anyway.  She took a huge risk and knew it.

Second, the affair was consensual.

Third - and the real question - is her work environment now hostile because he told his friend (and supervisor) all the juicy details?

HR has a tough situation on its hands.  She would have to prove that the work environment turned hostile once the affair ended.  Her performance will be reviewed and other circumstances will be meticulously investigated.

I am finding it hard to NOT blame the woman!  This. Was. Consensual.  And she shared an intimate fact with a guy she knew was disreputable.  And now she has jeopardized her career with this company.  Did he do anything wrong? Sure, he was unethical.  But did he HURT her career?  Is she NOT getting promotions or raises?  That part is never answered.

And - sometimes - what you do becomes public.  Very public.  Tristan Thompson is learning that lesson this week as the crowd BOO'd him for cheating on Khloe (who is 9 months pregnant).  Yet another ass.  This too will blow over but his reputation may not recover.  His cheating is 10x times worse because he girlfriend is pregnant.  In the end, Khloe may have to raise a baby without a daddy but her reputation will skyrocket and she will be revered.  His - not so much.

Here is my advice: MAKE SMART CHOICES.  And if you are going to sleep with a coworker, be prepared for people knowing.  

The Truth: Office gossip is a better network than twitter, instagram or anything on the internet.  That stuff always comes out.  So choose your partner wisely.

If she files a complaint in this situation, she may not help herself and she probably doesn't hurt him.  The only person who is really hurt is the supervisor who knew but didn't say anything.  The supervisor had a responsibility to uphold company policy (we don't know what this company's policy is), make sure they worked in separate departments, or at least let HR know.  

The good news - what is office gossip today isn't office gossip tomorrow.  This will blow over.  She should live and learn and move on.