It's a tough line to walk - motivate, encourage and slightly push your teens vs. pressure them too much and push them over the edge.  We want our kids to be successful.  But it feels like the bar to achieve success (i.e., 4.0 grade point average, advanced courses, multiple clubs and sports) has jumped higher than when we were teens.  Kids can barely keep up, let alone be kids anymore.

Take sports.  30 years ago, there were few travel clubs.  Teams met once - maybe twice - a week and then had 1 game on the weekends (with some weekends off!).  Now teams meet 3+ times a week with weekend games and tournaments mixed in over a 4 -5 month period or even year round. And that is just 1 activity.  Now throw in 3 more---it's overwhelming at best.

And 30 years ago we all thought we were overworked and constantly exhausted between school, sports and clubs. Many nights I didn't go to bed before 11 by the time I finished my schoolwork.  And I have my own anxious teens now - where the pressure feels greater for them than it did to me.

So what should parents do?  I know I feel like if we back off sports, they won't make teams, fall behind, or worse....get into trouble.  So I work diligently at repeating to my kids - the second this isn't fun, we quit.  We don't expect you to be a professional athlete.  We just want you to enjoy yourself. 

Unfortunately that isn't enough.  Middle schoolers need to understand their school curriculum because what they choose now impacts their high school curriculum and college application process.  High schoolers with ivy league aspirations need to take as many advanced placement courses as possible. 

And - College.  Is.  Expensive.  Really, really expensive.  Many families need the scholarships to provide the education for their children.

The pressure is HUGE. 

So what can we do?

Individually and as a society we need to redefine success.  When did it become necessary to be part of 5 clubs and 3 sports teams to be successful or make it into a good school? 

Stressed out teens become stressed out adults.  Stressed out adults will not be successful at college or their careers.  Life will be hard.  We all have a breaking point.  Whether it is having a nervous meltdown, failing at a marriage, or being unable to hold a job  - we need to teach our kids to have balance and perspective.

As an Ivy league graduate who interviewed high school seniors as part of their college applications for that same Ivy league school, I can promise you that colleges are NOT looking for kids to be in 17 activities and 4 sports teams.  What they are looking for are well-rounded students (who, yes, take academically challenging classes) but only actively participate in clubs/activities (rather than passively).  They are looking for leaders....individuals who identify an issue and TRY (not succeed, just try) to solve them.

Here are a few things parents can do to try and help their kids have balance and perspective:

1. Don't determine what the right school is for your child in middle school

There are LOTS of excellent colleges and institutions in this country.  Students do NOT need to go to an ivy league school to be successful.  Most CEO's in this country did NOT attend Ivy league institutions.  Successful college careers are what you make of it.  Students can go to a great school and not use that experience to help them in life.  They can flunk out.  Or students can value the education and experiences all colleges offer and use that to create a career for themselves where they are happy and enjoy what they are doing. 

2.  Remember that success looks different for everyone

Help your children define - and redefine - and redefine - and redefine - success constantly.  Success for one person looks different than for another.  In 6th grade, success might be trying out for the track team - and not making it!  And that is a success because trying out is stressful.  The idea of being rejected might be new.  So helping your child go through the process and be ok with not making the team is a HUGE win.  We can't all make the team.  Learning how to handle that will be a tremendous skillset to teach your child. 

Success might also look like figuring out how to balance school work and sports....learning to plan ahead, manage time and focus.  That "executive function" does not come easily to everyone.  As parents, we may need to be more actively involved in helping our children manage their schedules - and say no to some things too!

3.  Focus on the "now"

Keep goals manageable, small and within sight.  Goals that are too hard to comprehend, too far away to understand and too difficult to explain become unattainable.  Most parents want their children to be "productive members of society" - show kindness, grace and gratitude, smile, be happy and grateful and yes, work at what they want.  The work should be short-term, day by day and week by week. 


Remember - most adults change jobs (and careers) several times.  No one really knows what they want to be when they grow up.  It's a journey.